My dad went for his first chemo treatment last week and did very well. He went prepared with his list of questions for the nurse. He was relaxed and even looked a little bit eager and excited to get the treatment started. The problem was my mother and her increasing self absorption. Dad had a follow up appointment scheduled for some lab tests and it conflicted with my mother’s long standing beauty shop appointment. Long standing in that, she has gone to the same beauty shop every Friday for 50 years.

Mom insisted that her hair appointment come first, becoming irate and furious at the suggestion that her beautician would understand the need for mom to reschedule. Unfortunately, mom could not see past her own needs to realize that dad’s follow up appointment was much more important. Yet I realize, to her, dad’s follow up appointment wasn’t more important because she is struggling to deal with her own medical crisis: the onset of what she realizes may be Alzheimer’s. My dad, hopelessly devoted to her, gave in and rescheduled his appointment. I was very angry with my mom. I wanted to yell and confront her with how selfish she was being. I wanted to, but I didn’t. Since then, I’ve reflected on what happened and here’s what I’ve realized:

Mom realizes she has problems with her memory and tries hard to compensate and remember. She tries very hard to hide her failings from her family.

Working hard to compensate for her deficits means mom needs more time devoted to keeping track of things. More time is spent trying to perform well and seem “normal” to family and friends.

Trying to perform well takes concentration and energy, causing mom’s unintentional focus on herself to the exclusion of other’s needs or crises, like my dad’s cancer.

Oh boy do I feel guilty! It’s so easy to get tangled up in the emotions resulting from changes in your loved ones behavior, that you can’t see the root cause of that very behavior. From a professional standpoint, I realize that my mother knows to some degree what is happening to her, and it’s very scary for her. I know that her world is frightening right now, because of the changes going on with my dad’s health, and her instinct is self preservation, keeping her world as she knows it, including her standing Friday afternoon beauty shop appointment. I know too, that my world will revolve a lot smoother when I can accept that my mother is not the same mother I had five years ago, or five months ago. I’m not quite there yet, but I’m working on it.

Remember every day, families just like yours and mine are experiencing a health care crisis with a loved one. The support and education you need to navigate the aging journey is available from expert care professionals at Lutheran Homes of Michigan. For more information on dealing with life changing issues with your parents or a loved one, contact a care representative at Lutheran Homes of Michigan by calling 989-652-3470 or by emailing This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

As a caregiver of someone recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, what are you finding to be your biggest struggle in adjusting to your new reality?

Resources

The Stages of Alzheimer’s: What to Expect as Alzheimer’s Progresses. Paula Spencer. www.caring.com

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